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Last week, we talked about why getting into arguments is never worth it.
By now you probably know that getting dragged into an argument is an ego trap.
Yet IRL, it can be too easy to get into one. All it takes is a light comment or some free advice, and ten seconds later you’re back to high school debate night. It can feel refreshing for a little while . . . until it becomes a headache.
So why do we keep indulging in arguments when we value peace? ⠀
Noted philosophy professor Dan Cohen, who spent decades thinking about how we argue, has an answer: People generally equate an argument to a war.
Listen to the words we use when we disagree—like “I shot down his argument” or “I totally destroyed her”—and compare them to the words we used when we agree with someone—like “We’re on the same page” or “I’m with you.” For most of us, disagreements aren’t pleasant. We put our guards up, ready to defend with counter arguments that sometimes can be very rude.
When your brain treats a disagreement like a war, only two outcomes exist: glorious triumph or total defeat. Walking away feels like losing. ⠀
Here are four tips for how to drop an argument and protect your peace:
1) Find what the other person wants from it. When someone tries to drag you into an argument, consider their goal. A real discussion is about finding a solution together, but an argument can be an ego boost disguised as a conversation. If the person starts using aggressive tactics to show you’re wrong and they’re right, you should leave that conversation as quickly as possible.
2) Choose to let them be right. Ask yourself what you actually win by trying to convince someone to change their thinking. Your peace is worth way more than winning a pointless debate. Hand them the cheap trophy of an ego boost while you walk away calm. You have nothing to prove to someone who only wants to win.
3) Step into the audience. Instead of playing the role of a defensive opponent, picture yourself sitting in a theater watching your argument. (If you laugh at the scene, great.) When you watch the performance from the outside, the emotional heat should leave your chest instantly, and you’ll stop taking their bait personally.
4) Use grey-rock tactics as your exit strategy. Show that you have zero interest in fighting. Keep your voice flat, give a plain nod, or offer a calm three-word reply before changing the subject. A war cannot happen when only one person shows up to fight.
You don’t have anything to prove. You don’t need validation or attention. ⠀
If you know you’re right, keep it to yourself. That’s the easiest way to walk away from conflicts.
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