Unhelpful lesson #1: “Just let it out”

You’ve probably heard the advice a million times: Don’t hold it in. Just get it out. Let it all out and vent. 

It’s an old concept that feels like common sense. Anger is like steam trapped in a kettle building up pressure until it’s released—or else the kettle bursts. The idea gives us an excuse to do what so many of us already enjoy: venting to anyone who will listen.

But there’s a problem. When scientists test this “kettle theory,” it crumbles.

Psychologist Brad Bushman, in fact, has dedicated much of his career to studying this exact topic, and his results have been consistent: If you give an angry person a punching bag and tell them to release their anger by hitting it, they end up feeling even angrier and acting worse than those who are told to do nothing. When researchers combed over 150 studies involving more than 10,000 participants, the same trend showed up: Letting off steam keeps anger boiling.

It's useful to look at why this happens, and some simple math can help make sense of it. Each time you go over the story of how someone hurt you—whether you're sharing it with a friend, your partner, or just replaying it on your walk home—you aren't letting the anger fade. You're replaying it, and that keeps it alive.

It’s a simple equation:

Anger × every retelling = More anger

You might think you’re getting rid of it, but what you're doing is topping it back up.

Unhelpful lesson #2: Keep it bottled up

If you're like most people, your gut reaction to reading the above section might be to think you should handle anger with the opposite reaction. If letting it out makes everything harder, I'll hold it in. I'll keep calm, make sure I look cheerful, and stash the feeling somewhere no one, not even me, has to deal with it.

I wish I could say that works. But your body tends to remember everything. (Yes, it keeps score.)

When you are told to bottle up your emotions, your blood pressure spikes higher than if you were to shift your perspective and rethink the situation.

Your emotions don’t just disappear. They burrow deeper inside of you and fester while they’re there.

Hiding an emotion ≠ erasing it

In other words, it turns out that the two paths we usually take to deal with anger are flawed. Let the emotion out, and it grows stronger. Bury it, and it keeps working in the background. Either way, the fire spreads.

Unhelpful lesson #3: Analyze your feelings and you'll feel better

Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema spent a lot of her own career looking into this idea, and what she discovered is something to remember: Rumination doesn't help you feel better. It eats away at you, making bad moods worse, clouding your judgment, blocking you from solving problems you're stuck on, and testing the patience of those you rely on most. 

You don't have to fix how you feel. You don't need to win the argument, force an apology, or fight the feeling into submission. 

There are two separate things you need to do: You need to face the feeling and you need to stop it from poisoning you. The power you have lies in the space between those two choices.

Accept it ≠ approve it. 

A feeling – mental fuel to keep it alive = a feeling that passes through you clean

Step 1: Let the feeling be. Don’t fight an emotion or beat yourself up for feeling it, and don’t fake being calm when you’re not. Just name it: I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m scared. Saying what you feel in words can make it less overwhelming. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It means facing the feeling head-on instead of letting it control you in silence.

Step 2: Don’t let it consume you. This is where you take a stand and guard yourself. Feeling something doesn’t mean you have to embrace it or make it grow. You might feel angry, but you still resist grabbing the phone to call someone who wronged you and say something you’ll regret forever. You might feel hurt but you choose not to lie awake for hours replaying the pain over and over. The emotion can exist; it just doesn’t get to take control. Poison harms you if you keep swallowing it, and whether or not you do that is your choice.

Step 3: Let it move on. This step is the payoff for the effort of the first two. When you stop giving energy to an emotion, it does what emotions do when they’re left alone: It passes by and leaves. There's no need to force it out. Just stop blocking its way to the door.

Help us make this newsletter even better for you! Was this issue useful? What would you be excited to read about next? Reply to this email with your thoughts and suggestions. We read every response!

4 Steps to Gaining an Assertiveness Advantage

Ever Held Back Tears to Look "Strong"? Let’s Talk Emotional Vulnerability

The One Skill Nobody Taught You (But Everyone Needs)

The Secret to Dealing Other People's Bad Moods (and Your Own)

How to Build an Emotional Filter (Without Being a Bad Friend)

Emotions Are Patterns—And You Can Change Them