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The idea of the holidays is often sold as something warm and full of love. But for many people, this time of year is painful. Instead of feeling happy about a family gathering, you could be thinking about old resentments, grudges, underhanded comments, and isolation.
What’s at the root of that emotional chaos?
Normally, we blame our external environment—sly remarks from an aunt, or tense silence at the dinner table—but in reality, friction starts somewhere else entirely: the mind. Even before we get together with our families, we’ve often manifested conflict already.
Sometimes it’s hard to look at the holidays with a fresh eye. It is a “pre-lived” experience that we mentally rehearse in advance—repeating old arguments in our heads, scripting defensive responses. By the time you actually sit down for a holiday meal, your internal state could be ready to fight.
If you can find a way to change the narrative in your own mind first, then you can change a “toxic” family situation before it plays out. Toxic is used so much in this context, but what does it really mean? Any behavior that feels like the 3C's—controlling, cruel, and critical—is toxic. The term also extends to people who lie, play the victim, or try to find a scapegoat.
If you find yourself in any of those types of family conflicts during the holiday season, use this exit strategy to get out of them:
1) Change Your Pattern
If you’re dealing with someone who is passive-aggressive, let go of the idea that they might be different this time—and recognize that there’s nothing you can do to stop their behavior. Focus on you, because what you can do is change yourself. Acknowledge your own patterns—one might even be that you take things personally. Write down the patterns you notice, but don’t label yourself with them. Once you’re aware of a particular behavior, you’ll be able to find a way to break that pattern with constant practice.
2) Call Them Out Smartly
Don’t make the mistake of calling out someone directly. Avoid using accusing statements like, “You always demean me.” The problem with that statement is it will trigger the other person’s defensiveness and they’ll fight back. You’ll never be able to come to any agreement. A better thing to say is, “When you talk about my faults in front of everyone, I feel really small inside.” They won’t be able to escape from the statement by being defensive. Hopefully, they will say instead, “You’re right. I didn’t realize it would hurt you. I’ll be more careful to not repeat it.”
3) Add Humor
The best way to soften tense situations is to add humor. As the best comedians know, if you make fun of yourself first, you take that power away from the other person. Learn to laugh at yourself and not take yourself seriously, and you will become immune to other people’s comments about you. Adding humor also helps improve relationships. If someone is making fun of you, just look them in the eyes, smile, and crack a joke. Most people will stop making remarks about you after that.
At the end of the day, you can’t control if your uncle is going to make comments or if your mom is going to play the victim again. However, you can stop the pre-war briefing happening in your head.
Keep this in mind: If you go in expecting a fight, you’re going to find one. As an alternative, try to walk into that room with a clean mental slate.
Worst case scenario? You use one of those indirect call-outs or crack a joke at your own expense. You might not have the best holiday, but at least you won't leave the table feeling like nothing ever changes.
Happy holidays—or, you know, just aim for a peaceful one.
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