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Last week, we explored how shame—the healthy variety—can guide you back to your values. But not all shame is helpful. Some of it sticks around, blows things out of proportion, or was never yours to carry in the first place. It’s important to know how to let that kind go.
Before we get into how to do it, let’s explore the stark difference between guilt and shame. Guilt points to a particular action you’re not proud of, while shame colors your entire identity and can convince you that “you’re bad” because of a particular action.
But this kind of shame can also creep into how you see yourself for no real reason at all!
For example, you might feel like something is wrong with you because of what other people (such as bullies, your parents, or society as a whole) have told you.
Feeling shame-y has real consequences.
When it lingers, shame can make you want to hide from people and stay stuck in bad feelings. If that goes on long enough, it can even contribute to depression.
In your body, shame can show up much like anxiety does, with tense shoulders, a heavy feeling in your stomach, or a lump in your throat, like what happens when you’re about to cry.
Understanding shame is one thing, but if it’s been weighing on you longer than it should, here are some helpful tips on to manage it:
1) Put your shame on trial
You know how some websites will turn a small story into something that feels like major news? Shame works in a similar way. It will take a small moment in your life and blow it up so much that you start to believe you’ve become a total failure.
Just like anyone with media literacy, you should not trust every headline about yourself blindly. Instead, you have to look for real evidence to support the story.
For example, you sent an email to your whole team that contained an obvious mistake, and now you’re feeling embarrassed because you’re worried everyone thinks you’re sloppy. Ask yourself:
Did anyone actually say that, or are you filling in the blanks?
If a coworker made the same typo, would you think less of them? (Probably not. Maybe you wouldn’t even notice.)
Did you actually go against something you value? If not, shame is just telling an exaggerated story.
Most of the time, the “evidence” falls apart pretty fast, and that big feeling of shame shrinks, turning the incident back into what it really is: a tiny blip.
2) Melt shame with love
Shame has a soundtrack, and it usually repeats the same lyrics: “You’re never ___ enough.” and “Who do you think you are?” Many of us didn’t write those lyrics ourselves. We picked them up from our families and the culture we grew up in, and heard them so many times they started to sound like the truth.
The good news? If repetition taught your brain those lines, repetition can help it learn new ones. Pick a few shame-busting mantras that feel right to you, such as:
“I am enough.”
“I’m worthy of love and belonging.”
“I accept myself, all of me.”
Say them out loud, write them in your journal, or stick them on Post-its around your mirror and laptop. It might feel a little silly at first (totally normal), but the feelings tend to catch up with the words over time.
Then back those words up with action. A lot of shame is really about feeling bad for having basic needs, like rest, comfort, or help. So treat yourself like someone worth taking care of: Take the nap you need, eat a real meal, ask for a hug without thinking too much about it. And if being kind to yourself stirs up old uncomfortable feelings, pause, take a few slow breaths, and remind yourself that having needs doesn’t make you “too much.” It makes you human.
Finally, make choices that match your values, not the rules someone else handed you. Every time you do, you’re quietly proving that shame soundtrack wrong.
3) Let people in (even a little)
Shame loves to convince you that you need to hide. One of the best ways to counter that? Connection. Feeling like you belong directly pushes back against the belief that you’re unacceptable. After all, it’s hard to feel like you need to hide when you’re being welcomed.
Making a connection doesn’t only mean having a deep heart-to-heart (those are rare). The moment can be simple and tiny:
Say hi to the barista and ask how their day’s going.
Compliment a stranger’s outfit (or their dog, which always works).
Send a “thinking of you” text to someone you haven’t talked to in a while.
Ask clerk at the bookstore for a recommendation.
Every little exchange is a reminder that you’re part of a bigger world, and don’t need to hide from it. And if you have the energy to see your friends or family, do it. You don’t have to talk about your shame. Just being around people who like you is enough.
Your goal never has to be zero shame. It’s all about feeling it for the right reasons, and letting go of the rest.
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