Welcome to Wisdom & Sol! If you haven’t subscribed, join our community of 95,000 intelligent, curious folks who want to boost their emotional well-being by subscribing here.
Contrary to what many people might think, self-sabotaging behavior—such as procrastination, emotional eating, or overworking—is not due to a lack of willpower or discipline. What it’s really about is dealing with feelings you can handle instead of ones you can’t.
The Emotions We Trade
Most of us grow up with a handful of emotions we feel are “acceptable.” They are feelings you were either encouraged to have, ones that resulted in the best responses, or ones that kept you out of trouble the most. Anything outside of that group tends to get swapped for the feelings we prefer.
Here are four of the most common emotional trades people make:
Anxiety → Control
When you can’t handle the feeling of uncertainty, you naturally feel a strong urge to take matters in your own hands. It can show up as making big to-do lists, or trying to manage what others are doing to avoid facing your own uncomfortable feelings of not knowing what is going to happen.
Sadness → Anger
Sadness is a heavy emotion that can make you feel like there’s no hope. When you lose something—like a job, a relationship, or even how you see yourself—it’s much easier to replace it with an emotion that lets you act rather than feel powerless. For example, it can manifest by lashing out at your partner or drafting a fiery email.
Loneliness → Overworking
Being on your own can feel harder than being busy and tired, so the subconscious trade is filling your time with work. Perhaps you end up taking on an extra assignment, staying at the office until late, or checking emails close to midnight. You convince yourself it’s ambition, but what’s happening is that you’re avoiding sitting with your own thoughts.
Shame → Perfectionism
If you never mess up, no one can judge you, so feeling the emotion of shame turns you into someone trying to be perfect at everything. You make your presentations flawless, re-read emails over and over, and work on your appearance until there’s no potential for criticism.
Similarly, grief is replaced by a drive to stay busy, helplessness becomes anger, vulnerability is replaced with humor, and fear of rejection is countered by rejecting others first. The patterns repeat themselves every time: You take an emotion you can’t process and swap it out for one that you can handle.
The 90-Second Window
As brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor discovered, the physical part of an emotion—the chemical wave it produces in your body—sticks around for about 90 seconds. After those 90 seconds, the story you replay in your head keeps the emotion alive.
Most of us don’t let an emotion last that long though. Anxiety, for example, doesn’t even get those 90 seconds before it’s turned into a to-do list.
So how do you deal with this? The goal isn’t about controlling emotions better but letting them show up instead.
5 Steps to Spot the Swap
Instead of asking, “What am I feeling?” you need to examine how you reacted to how you felt when you were uncomfortable.
Step 1: Notice what you did to feel relief.
Your escape behavior is your clue. Look for the instant action:
doom-scrolling
cleaning aggressively
over-explaining
shopping
checking messages
starting an argument
making a 20-step plan
Step 2: Identify the moment before the behavior.
Finish this sentence:
“Right before I did that, I was afraid I would have to sit with [name the feeling].”
Keep it simple:
rejected
not chosen
uncertain
not enough
alone
embarrassed
disappointed
out of control
Step 3: Take a 90-second “No Fix” pause.
Our brains may want to replace “feel it” with “solve it.” So don’t solve what’s making you feel a certain way. Don’t analyze it. Don’t journal about it.
Just pause and feel. You can use just a few cues to reassure yourself, like:
“This is a wave.”
“I don’t need a plan yet.”
“I can stay here for 90 seconds.”
Step 4: Give yourself something to do.
A lot of people fail at the “sitting with it” approach because they stay in their heads.
Try one of these to shift your focus:
Exhale longer than you inhale (four counts in, six counts out; repeat five times)
Unclench your jaw + drop your shoulders intentionally
Put one hand on your chest, the other on your stomach, and feel your breathing
Plant your feet and press your toes into the floor
Sip water slowly (It sounds basic, but it works!)
All of those actions tell your system that you’re safe enough to stay present.
Step 5: Choose the smallest honest next move
Your mission is not to fix your life. Just take a tiny emotional step that doesn’t completely switch the way you’re feeling.
For example:
Instead of sending a long, angry text: Write “I’m hurt. I need a minute.”
Instead of overworking: Step outside for three minutes and text a friend.
Instead of perfectionism: Submit the “B+” version of your work.
Instead of trying to gain control: Choose one thing you can’t control and stop negotiating with for the rest of the day.
Swaps Aren’t Character Flaws, But Old Safety Skills
Your substitute behaviors once kept you safe.
Control made chaos survivable.
Anger kept you from being crushed.
Productivity got you praise.
Perfectionism reduced criticism.
You don’t need to shame the coping strategy.
You need to update it.
Repeat this statement and turn it into a new belief:
“I can feel this without becoming it.”
Help us make this newsletter even better for you! Was this issue useful? What would you be excited to read about next? Reply to this email with your thoughts and suggestions. We read every response!
Want More: Tools to Break Bad Habits
This Edition’s Sponsors: National Audubon Society
Support Audubon & Receive a Gift
Rufous Hummingbird. Photo: Nathan Wall/Audubon Photography Awards
Become a member of the National Audubon Society today and receive our award-winning magazine as a thank-you. Every three months, enjoy stories about protecting birds and the places they need, delivered to your mailbox.
Along the Same Lines…
We love you,
Mona & The Sol TV Team ❤️
Lastly, some housekeeping…
If you can’t find the newsletter, check your spam folder. If it’s there, mark it as “not spam.”
Whitelist our email. Add our email address [email protected] to your contacts list or your Primary inbox in Gmail.