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The vast majority of my stress comes from mentally filing things incorrectly: stressing over what I’m not supposed to solve, and avoiding the stuff I should be. If you have this issue, this four-box method helps.
Create a basic grid. On one side, there are two categories: items you’re responsible for, and items you aren’t responsible for. On the other side, there are two rows: items you take responsibility for and items you don’t take responsibility for.
Healthy zones are easy to identify because you own what is yours: your tone when you argue with someone, and, for example, the report you have pledged to deliver by Friday.
You release what isn’t yours, like your boss’s mood on a Monday morning.
The other two boxes are where problems emerge.
In one, you carry a burden that isn’t yours. For instance, your teen daughter is upset about her test score, and you stay up late replaying the conversation you had with her, as if her disappointment were your responsibility to fix. It feels like caring. Mostly, you just wear yourself out without changing how she feels.
In the second box, you snap at someone because you’re stressed, or you ignore an email for weeks because you would rather not deal with it. The problem with the behavior in this box is that you cannot recognize your avoidance as a choice until after the fact.
These two unhealthy boxes tend to work hand in hand; the energy you spend controlling other people's emotions is energy you don't have when you postpone the difficult discussion you've been avoiding.
This problem is easier to solve than it seems. Before you focus on something, ask yourself which column it belongs in and act accordingly, even when it feels uncomfortable.
Guilt makes a terrible motivator, plus three responsibilities that were never yours
Words of Wisdom
When you say ‘Let Them,’ you make a conscious decision not to allow other people’s behavior to bother you. When you say ‘Let Me,’ you take responsibility for what you do next.
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