1. Drop the win-lose mentality

We tend to treat difficult conversations as battles, with a winner and a loser. The moment we hear something negative about ourselves, we enter defense mode and get ready to hit back.

Let’s go back to the scenario where you’re yanked off a project. Your instinct is to retaliate with a counterattack, and that turns every conversation into a confrontation.

The first thing you need to do is slow down so you can cool down. Then try to understand what drove your colleague’s decision, before deciding what you think about it. It takes effort, but this is the healthiest way to deal with anger and have a conversation that’s free from combat mentality. 

Because even if you win, you will pay a price. When the other person feels you won at their expense, they’ll definitely find a way to exact revenge, and that payback can last a long time.

2. Lower the emotional load

Difficult conversations are emotionally charged, so they can’t be handled like ordinary ones.

Only a very few of us actually know how to handle a conversation when our emotions are in the way.

And feelings spread. When the other person arrives angry or anxious, we usually pick it up. Now two people are carrying the weight, and neither is thinking clearly.

I know that can be really hard to handle in the heat of it, but there’s a practical trick that can help.

A popular idea says the right side of the brain runs emotion and the left side runs logic. It’s simple neuroscience. When you’re emotionally charged, it’s a good idea to activate your left brain by giving your mind a small logical task, such as counting backwards in sevens or calculating a quick sum. This can take some heat out of a strong feeling and give you space to think logically. 

After you take off some of the strong current of emotions, you’ll be able to think more clearly and express your emotions in a better way. This can help you have a difficult conversation that serves you rather than working against you.

3. Stop asking whose fault it is

Difficult conversations are hard to read. It can be a challenge to tell what the other person meant, and easy to assume the worst.

As a result, we reach for a familiar question: Whose fault is it? It feels like it will help you make progress, but it’s a dead end. You’ll likely land on “It’s your fault” (or, less often, “my bad”) and the conversation is over.

Blame doesn’t help anyone handle the conversation better. It widens the gap between you and the other person—even when you’re sure you’re right—and pushes an already shaky conversation further off balance.

In these moments, fault lies in the eye of the beholder. You see their part in the problem clearly. They see yours.

A better starting point is to consider what’s actually going on for each of you. Begin with the other person. Look for what they might be protecting and the pressure they might be under. Assume they have a reason for their behavior that makes sense to them, even if it isn’t one you’d choose.

It’s rarely true that the other person’s only aim is to make your life miserable.

Help us make this newsletter even better for you! Was this issue useful? What would you be excited to read about next? Reply to this email with your thoughts and suggestions. We read every response!

Why Going to Bed Angry Might Be Good Advice After All

This Behavior Is Self-Directed Anger

Anger Is Good, Aggression Is Destructive

3 Reasons You’re Angry All The Time

#1 Skill Needed for Emotional Wellness

End Your Emotional Blowups With 4 Steps