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There’s a comfortable idea that we all like to believe. That if we get to see our patterns and blindspots IRL, then we’ll fix them.

It sounds believable when you think about it, but it’s actually a big lie. Because spotting a pattern doesn’t mean you can control it.

For example, a friend knows that eating late at night in bed because she’s stressed, but it’s hard for her to change..

So, why do we keep repeating habits even after becoming aware of them?

It’s because somewhere that pattern is secretly protecting our ego. The habit makes us feel safe. And no matter what we do, we can’t bully our brain into changing because it provides comfort. You have to prove it, through action, that the danger isn’t real.

So here, are 3 steps to retire a pattern that’s long outdated:

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1) Say “later” instead of “never”: When we want to quit a pattern, we usually become super strict and set high standards which tend to backfire. Strict rules don’t kill cravings.

For example, a friend finally told you that every time they share a problem, you jump in with advice (even when they didn’t ask for it), and it makes them feel like you’re not really listening.

Now you know it’s your blind spot. But the next time they start talking, you can still feel that advice sitting on the tip of your tongue. So instead of telling yourself “I’ll never give advice again”, just tell yourself, “I’ll share it later, if they ask.” You’re not fighting the urge, you’re just setting it aside for a bit. And often, by the end of the conversation, you’ll notice they mostly wanted someone to listen.

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2) Shave 20% off the habit: Once we find our blind spot, we want to fix it overnight. But a goal that big makes it feel like we’re never getting anywhere. Psychologists Albert Bandura and Dale Schunk found that kids who struggled with math did much better when they set small goals for each session instead of one big goal at the end. Small wins show you that you can actually change.

For example, your sister pointed out that you say yes to everything (and then end up exhausted). Now you know, but the “yes, sure!” still slips out before you even think. So, don’t try to say no to everything overnight. Just say no to one out of every five requests this week.

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3) Put something at stake: Sometimes we keep repeating our habits because nothing happens. In a study in the Philippines, smokers put their own money into a savings account and only got it back if they passed a nicotine test after six months. The ones who were offered this deal were more likely to have quit, even a year later.

Here’s another way you can put into practice, a colleague pointed out that you keep cutting people off during meetings (and you had no idea). Now you know, but mid-discussion you still catch yourself jumping in. So, keep a jar on your desk, and every time someone catches you interrupting, a dollar goes towards the next team coffee.

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