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Most of us say we want to be self-aware. But when it comes to sitting down with our unfiltered thoughts, a lot of us would rather do anything else—check our phones, reorganize our desks, optimize our morning routines for the third time this month—than actually sit still and examine who we are. 

If you do finally force yourself to reflect, you may sit there asking yourself, "Why am I like this? Why did I do that?” And then wonder why you end up feeling worse than you did before. That behavior leads to rumination, anxiety, and a really good reason to never try it again.

Want to know the real problem with all of this? We're asking ourselves the wrong questions.

The act of reflection requires you to slow down, be okay with not knowing what to do next and keep space for messy feelings. It's definitely not productive—at least not in the beginning. But here's the thing: Once you get good at it, you become more productive than you ever were.

A study with call center workers found something pretty interesting: the employees who carved out just 15 minutes at the end of their shift to think through what they'd learned that day ended up performing about 23% better after a week and a half compared to those who didn't do any reflection. 

On one hand, self-reflection brings clarity—even breakthroughs. But on the other hand, it can lead to a lot of disturbed feelings as it pushes you to be vulnerable with yourself, and that's exactly why most of us avoid it. We think looking inward will confirm our worst fears about ourselves, like that we are broken or unlovable. So we stay busy instead.

There are two types of self-awareness: internal and external. Here are the differences:

You might think you're self-aware because you journal every morning, but if you have no idea how you come across to other people, you're only half-aware.

Boosting self-awareness may sound complicated, but there’s a simple way to start: You need to build your general awareness muscles.

The easiest way to do that is to take time to do seemingly insignificant things. Stargaze. Watch birds. Sit through a sunrise. Take a walk without your phone. Watch your breath without trying to change it. Eat a meal mindfully, actually tasting the food instead of scrolling while you chew.

Resist the urge to turn these into moments you post on social media. Your goal is to notice things without immediately needing to do something about them.

Here's the part that gets tricky: You have to avoid introspecting the way you think you should.

Most people will sit and ask themselves "why" questions: Why did I make that decision? Why do I feel this way? Why can't I get this right?

But "why" doesn't actually help. We don't have access to most of our unconscious thoughts, feelings, and motives, so according to many studies, when we ask why, our brains just make things up. Because the answer comes from inside our own heads, we believe it completely.

For example, when you get irritated with someone you care about over something small, you might immediately start thinking, "Why am I like this? Why can't I just be normal?"

Your brain explains to you that you're too sensitive, or too difficult, or something's wrong with you. You start remembering other times you messed up, other relationships that went wrong, and all the ways you fall short. You're no longer reflecting, just collecting evidence against yourself.

The thing is, you need to be aware of what you were doing before you even started reflecting. If you spent two hours context-switching from your work and doom-scrolling through your feed, your nervous system could be overloaded—which is why you got irritated in the first place. As a result, you may decide the problem is who you are.

The issue isn't that we end up making the wrong judgements about ourselves, it's that we feel so confident we're right. You may jump on whatever explanation feels true, ignore anything that contradicts it, and never question whether your insight is actually valid.

This is similar to what happens when someone gets a bad performance review and asks, "Why did I get such a low rating?" Their brain immediately lands on their deepest insecurities and doesn’t perform a rational assessment of what actually happened. Understanding that, you can see why people who constantly self-analyze tend to be more depressed and anxious.

To help improve your self-awareness, you need to shift your mindset.

Asking “why” keeps you analyzing the past and assumes that you’re wrong. Asking “what” helps you design next steps and move you towards solutions. 

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