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Last week, we explored how shame, the healthy kind, can guide you back to your values. But not all shame is helpful. Some of it sticks around, blows things out of proportion, or was never yours to carry in the first place. Here’s how to let that kind go.

Let’s start with knowing the stark difference between guilt and shame. Guilt points to a particular action you’re not proud of, while shame colors your entire identity and can convince you that “you’re bad” because of a particular action.

But this kind of shame can also creep in for no real reason at all!

For example, you might feel like something’s wrong with you because of what others (bullies, parents, society) have told you.

Feeling shamey actually has consequences.

When it lingers, shame can make you want to hide from people and stay stuck in bad feelings. If it goes on long enough, it can even contribute to depression.

And in your body, shame can show up much like anxiety does, like tight, tense shoulders, a heavy feeling in your stomach or feeling in your throat, like when you’re about to cry.

Understanding it is one thing, but if shame has been weighing on you longer than it should, here are some good tips:

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1) Put your shame on trial

Shame is a seriously good reporter because it knows its job too well. Which is, to take a small moment and add so much spice to it that it feels no less than breaking news about how you’re a total failure.

So like the smart people out there, you should not trust it blindly, and must look for real evidence to support the story.

For example, you sent an email to your whole team with an evident mistake, and now you’re feeling embarrassed because you’re worried everyone thinks you’re sloppy. Ask yourself:

- Did anyone actually say that, or are you filling in the blanks?

- If a coworker made the same typo, would you think less of them? (Probably not. You’d likely not even notice)

- Did you actually go against something you value? If not, shame is just telling a story

Most of the time, the “evidence” falls apart pretty fast, and that big feeling of shame shrinks back down to its real size: a tiny blip.

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2) Melt shame with love

Shame has a soundtrack, and it’s usually stuck on repeat: “You’re never ___ enough.” “Who do you think you are?” Many of us didn’t write those lyrics ourselves. We picked them up from our families and the culture we grew up in, and heard them so many times they started to sound like the truth.

The good news? If repetition taught your brain those lines, repetition can help it learn new ones. Pick a few shame-busting mantras that feel right to you, like:

“I am enough.”

“I’m worthy of love and belonging.”
“I accept myself, all of me.”

Say them out loud, write them in your journal, or stick them on Post-its around your mirror and laptop. It might feel a little silly at first (totally normal), but the feelings tend to catch up with the words over time.

Then back those words up with action. A lot of shame is really about feeling bad for having basic needs, like rest, comfort, or help. So treat yourself like someone worth taking care of: take the nap you need, eat a real meal, ask for a hug without thinking too much about it. And if being kind to yourself stirs up old uncomfortable feelings, pause, take a few slow breaths, and remind yourself that having needs doesn’t make you “too much.” It makes you human.

Finally, make choices that match your values, not the rules someone else handed you. Every time you do, you’re quietly proving that shame soundtrack wrong.

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3) Let people in (even a little)

Shame loves to convince you that you need to hide. One of the best ways to prove it wrong? Connection. Feeling like you belong directly pushes back against the belief that you’re unacceptable, because it’s hard to feel like you need to hide when you’re being welcomed.

And connection doesn’t have to mean a deep heart-to-heart. (because, seriously that’s rare) It can be simple and tiny:

- Say hi to the barista and ask how their day’s going

- Compliment a stranger’s outfit (or their dog, obviously, it always works)

- Send a “thinking of you” text to someone you haven’t talked to in a while

- Ask the person at the bookstore for a recommendation

Every little exchange is a reminder that you’re part of a bigger world, and don’t need to hide from it. And if you have the energy to see your friends or family, do it. You don’t have to talk about your shame. Just being around people who like you is enough.

The goal was never zero shame. It’s feeling it for the right reasons, and letting go of the rest.

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