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Want Feedback But Hate Hearing It?

Here's something odd about human behavior: We want to know what people think of us, but the second they tell us, we begin to dislike them regardless of how "constructive" their criticism might be. It's like asking someone to be honest about your haircut and then feeling surprised when they don't say it looks great.

Most people want honest feedback about their flaws, but when it’s delivered, it can feel like a personal attack.

Many of us struggle to accept that criticism is a normal part of life—whether your boss points out your project is late, your friend questions your unexplainable life choices, or a random person on X harshly replies to one of your posts.

Those of us who struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, or people-pleasing tendencies often experience those types of moments as personal attacks even when they're intended to help.

So what’s the trick to taking criticism without sinking into self-doubt or reacting? Let's examine.

The Narratives We Create About Criticism

When people criticize us, we don't just hear their words—we hear our own inner voice going into overdrive. "They said I need to be more assertive" turns into, "They think I'm weak and pathetic and shouldn't even be here."

You don’t end up reacting to what was said; you react to the narrative your worried mind created about what was said. Our minds are lousy storytellers—they always create the worst possible twist in the plot.

The scariest thing? Many of us often look for feedback from people who aren't fit to give it, such as the co-worker who's having trouble with their own work, the relative who's never tried what you’re doing, the random person online who just likes to troll. A lot of people brush off compliments from coaches but dwell on critiques from folks whose views shouldn't count.

The Weight We Carry

Every bit of criticism you get today is tinted by every bit of criticism you've ever gotten.

Let’s imagine you’re an introvert (and if you are one, this story will likely sound familiar): When someone tells you you're "too quiet" in meetings at work, your mind doesn't just take in those words. It jumps back to every other time someone called you quiet, shy, or reserved.

You begin to think about how your eighth-grade English teacher lowered your grade because you wouldn't speak up. You recall your mom ordering you to be more outgoing at family gatherings. And then there was that college professor who said participation was "not your strength."

All of a sudden, you're not just hearing feedback about one meeting—you're sinking in decades of similar comments, all crashing down at once.

When we get criticized, we instinctively shield ourselves, not just from the criticism in that moment, but from the accumulated weight of every time someone made us feel small. It's no surprise it feels too much to handle. You're not just dealing with feedback—you're working through years of feedback-related hurt.

The worst part? Your brain can't tell the difference between helpful criticism and nasty criticism when it's filled with this collection of stories. The caring mentor who hinted you should talk more ends up next to the mean kid who called you "mouse" in high school. The loving parent who thought you were too sensitive gets mixed up with the boss who used your sensitivity to control you.

Separate Helpful Feedback From Emotional Baggage

It’s important to be able to notice when you're having a "highlight reel" moment—when current criticism sets off a mental montage of every similar remark you've ever gotten. When you catch that happening, stop and ask yourself: Am I reacting to what this person just told me, or am I reacting to the whole collection of things people have said over time?

Next, try to sort through the stack. Which bits of feedback came from people who wanted you to succeed? Which came from people who felt stressed, mad, or were dumping their own issues on you? Which came from people who didn't even know you well enough to have a valid take?

You don't need to hold onto everything forever. Some old criticism has done its job and can be released. Some was never right to start with. And some might hold wisdom worth keeping—but try to separate it from the emotional baggage that's built up around it over time.

3 Ways to Handle Criticism

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1. Take a Beat Before You Respond

Your gut reaction might be to argue, tear up, or zone out. Instead, hit the brakes. Say, "I appreciate the input—I'll think over it." This gives you time to respond without blurting out something you'll wish you hadn't. Deep breaths make a difference—oxygen is your buddy.

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2. Sort Through Your Feelings

Criticism often stings because it targets an area where you already feel uncertain. The next time someone gives you feedback, ask yourself: What emotions does this bring up? Do you feel ashamed? Are you scared to fail? Do you crave approval? Write down your feelings and the reasons behind them. Let's say your boss tells you, "Your emails need to be clearer," and you feel devastated. This might happen because you take pride in your ability to communicate. When you put a name to your emotion, you realize it's not the end of the world—it's just a blow to your self-esteem.

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3. Take Away the Power of Words

When someone's criticism keeps playing in your head like an annoying TikTok video, try this: Picture it in a funny way. Imagine their words spoken by a cartoon bad guy or as lyrics to a horrible auto-tuned song. "Your slides are disorganized" doesn't seem as scary when you hear it in Daffy Duck's voice. That method doesn't make the feedback disappear, but it takes away some of its emotional punch helping you to concentrate on the actual message.

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