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In the last newsletter, we gave you a cheat sheet for building your emotional health. The focus was entirely on agency—focusing on what you can control.
But even though you might be the most disciplined and emotionally wise person in the room, you still have to interact with people. And you can’t expect those around you to have the same emotional balance as you.
You may have done the work to stop complaining about things, but the reality is that your work colleague can still be anxious about meetings, partner is going to vent about the same issue for the 10th time, and best friend can often be in a sour mood.
The question is, how do you stop their chaos from becoming your chaos?
We’re Like an Emotional Sponge
Have you ever noticed how easy it can be to take on other people's moods? So many of us are emotional sponges.
Unfortunately, we are much better at absorbing negative emotions than the positive ones. Just remember a time when someone shared amazing news with you, and you were happy at first, but within a few minutes, your emotion went flat.
Now recall when someone came to you with panic, complaints, and anger. It was probably easy to soak that energy up, and it stayed with you longer than the good news. Why? Because we are so used to negativity that we feel it’s normal.
If you don’t have a conscious defense system in place, your peace of mind will depend on what others feed you. Keep reading to find out how to build an emotional filter so that you can be a good listener to a friend while remaining unaffected by their problems.
1. Ask Yourself the Origin of Your Feeling
Here’s a scenario many of us have experienced: You start your day in an upbeat mood, but after a stressful conversation with a coworker, your mood shifts, and negative emotions (anxiety and/or feelings of being heavy) fill the rest of your day. What’s weird, though, is that nothing terrible happened to you to cause your mood to be down. This is an example of the “sponge” effect.
The first step to establishing your filter is simply recognizing when other people’s emotions start seeping into yours. If you experience a sudden, unexplained drop in your mood, stop what you are doing and ask yourself: “Am I really feeling this way, or am I absorbing this feeling from someone else?”
Once you recognize that the anxiety or frustration belongs to them, it loses its grip on you. You can observe their storm without getting wet.
2. Validate Others Without Having to Help Them With a Problem
People create “false” problems so they won’t have to face the unpleasantness of the truth.
In the last newsletter, we talked about how that can end up affecting you too. For example, someone might come to you with a false problem (you may not even know it’s false!), and you react by trying to help them fix what’s wrong. You provide them with options; you give them advice; you take the logical route to a solution.
They tell you: “My boss hates me.”
You respond: “Well, did you show your boss your accomplishments since the last project?”
But when they say “My boss hates me” for the fifth time, you get tired of listening to the same thing over and over again. You end up annoyed, and they become frustrated with you for no longer being helpful.
The truth is, they really don’t want your rational thinking. You can’t apply reason to an emotional problem, nor can you resolve a problem for someone who does not want a solution—they simply want emotional comfort.
In order to deal with this, you need to use your filter to acknowledge their emotions without carrying their problem. All you need to say is, “That's very draining, I can definitely understand why you would be upset.” In effect, you’re giving them permission to be heard, however, you're not agreeing to carry their burden for them.
3. Leave the Ruminative Loop
One of the most difficult tasks for an emotional filter? Dealing with chronic complainers—people who violate rule #1 as mentioned in our cheat sheet from last week.
Listening to somebody constantly ruminate or gossip is not only frustrating, but also mentally exhausting. However, you don’t want to be someone who tells them to stop talking.
So how do you exit the loop of a chronic complainer? Here are two simple methods:
- Use the Agency Question
If they’re complaining to you for 10 minutes about something, redirect the conversation to their agency.
You could say something like, “That is a nightmare! Since you can't change it, what do you plan to do differently going forward?”
This will help them transition from being a victim to taking action. And it may help them stop complaining, too: If they really just wanted to go on and on about their issue, they’ll probably quit talking about it once they know you’re no longer a receptive audience.
At times you may need to protect your time and peace. You can be polite but firm by stating, “I really want to be here for you, but I'm trying to keep myself in a positive state of mind today, and I don't believe I have enough mental energy to get into that. Can we discuss something else, or touch base at another time?”
The Bottom Line
Creating an emotional filter does not mean you stop caring about other people; you simply create boundaries. And, when you're not soaking up all of the drama around you, you'll actually have the mental energy to spend quality time with those who matter.
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Along the Same Lines…
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Mona & The Sol TV Team ❤️
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Did today's newsletter resonate with you?
- 🩷🩷🩷 Spot on! I’m definitely an emotional sponge and need to start using these tools immediately.
- 🩷🩷 Good reminder. I’ve been working on my emotional filter, but it's always helpful to keep these strategies top of mind.
- 🩷 Not quite for me. I generally don't struggle with absorbing other people's chaos.