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🌊 The Difference Between Feeling and Acting

👐 Tips for Staying Open

💞 Applying These Lessons in Personal Relationships

🧘 Internal Scripts to Stay Calm

🔑 Key Takeaways

🌿 4 Somatic Tools to Soothe Your Nervous System After Criticism

🦉 Words of Wisdom

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It’s performance review season for many of us, and receiving feedback isn’t always easy. When you pour your heart and soul into your work, the sting of criticism can be sharp. It’s natural to wonder if your manager even notices how hard you’ve been trying. When you feel the pressure of potential critique, it’s easy to fall into a defensive stance.

Becoming great at receiving feedback is a skill that you can learn. But first, you have to understand what defensiveness actually is and how it works.

The Difference Between Feeling and Acting

The most important step in handling feedback well is knowing the difference between feeling defensive and acting defensive. They’re related, but definitely not the same.

Feeling defensive means you’re experiencing a set of emotions related to a perceived threat or a critique. There’s usually a mix of anger, anxiety, and guilt. Feeling defensive is often unavoidable. Even people who look perfectly calm on the outside are likely feeling some level of it because when a threat is detected, you don’t have direct control over the initial emotional wave.
Acting defensive refers to what you do in response to those feelings. It includes making excuses, criticizing the other person back, or using sarcasm. While these actions might feel automatic, you always have control over your behavior. People who are excellent at taking feedback are simply very good at managing their impulse to act on their feelings.

Tips for Staying Open

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To manage your behavior, first address the emotions driving them. Defensive behaviors are usually just coping mechanisms for difficult feelings. Follow these steps to prevent or stop defensive behavior:

Step 1: Validate Your Emotions

Remind yourself that feeling bad does not mean you’re doing something wrong. Emotional validation is a quick, supportive bit of self-talk.

You might tell yourself that it makes sense to feel anxious when someone finds a flaw in your proposal.

Or you might tell yourself that it’s okay to feel sad, since that’s a normal human reaction.

When you acknowledge the feeling, it loses its power over your actions.

Step 2: Reframe the Situation

A lot of criticism-related pain comes from viewing negative comments as an attack on your self-worth. Instead, try to view getting feedback as an opportunity. Even if the feedback is delivered poorly, operating as if it is well-intentioned is the most practical way to handle it.

Ask yourself what the situation can teach you about yourself, others, or the subject at hand.

Applying These Lessons in Personal Relationships

Defensiveness often shows up even more strongly in our personal lives because of the intimacy level you have with your inner circle. Here’s how you can apply validation and reframing with the people you love.

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When Your Partner Critiques a Habit

If your partner mentions that you forgot a chore, you might feel a flash of guilt. Your instinct might be to point out a time they forgot something last week. Instead, try validating yourself with a reminder that it is okay to feel a bit guilty for forgetting, but that does not mean you are a bad partner. This allows you to listen without attacking back.

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When a Friend Shares a Hurt Feeling

If a friend tells you that a recent joke hurt their feelings, you might feel the urge to say they are being too sensitive. This is a defensive move to protect your ego. Instead, tell yourself that it makes sense to feel anxious when a friend is upset. By accepting your own anxiety, you can stay open to their perspective and offer a sincere apology.

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When a Family Member Offers Advice

If a parent gives you unsolicited advice, you might feel patronized. Rather than snapping, remind yourself that you feel angry because you value your independence. Once you acknowledge that feeling, you can reframe their advice as a clumsy attempt to show they care (and no, you still don’t have to follow their advice).

Internal Scripts to Stay Calm

Use these silent phrases to settle your emotions before you speak:

I feel underappreciated because I worked hard, but that’s a natural reaction. I can still listen.
I am starting to feel defensive because I want to protect my reputation. I can acknowledge this fear without making excuses.
I feel angry because I don't agree. It is normal to feel frustrated when I feel misunderstood. I will wait until they finish before I ask for clarification.
It makes sense that I feel anxious since this feels high stakes. I am safe and I can handle this.

Key Takeaways

You cannot stop the initial feeling of defensiveness, but you can choose not to act on it.
Recognize that your brain uses defensive actions—like making excuses—to protect you from uncomfortable feelings, such as shame or fear.
Use self-talk to validate your feelings so they don’t turn into reactive behaviors.
Treat every piece of feedback as a chance to grow rather than a judgment on who you are as a person.

4 Somatic Tools to Soothe Your Nervous System After Criticism

Your Emotional First Aid Kit for when feedback lands wrong.

Click Here to Read Now

Words of Wisdom

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Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.

Stephen R. Covey, Author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

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