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The word compassion comes from the Latin words com (with) and pati (to suffer).
It literally means “to suffer with.”
When someone close to us hits rock bottom, we often sit in the dark with them, offering our comforting presence rather than rushing to fix their problems.
But what happens when you’re the one hurting? Many of us don’t give ourselves permission to sit with our feelings and find comfort in them. Instead, we double down on our pain.
It tends to look like this: You’ve unintentionally done something wrong, and now you’re feeling sad about it. At the same time, you judge yourself for making the mistake.
Let’s examine it with a more specific example:
The Compassion Redirection You Need
We’ve all heard the line, “Be your own best friend.” The question is, how do we become more compassionate and go beyond that cliché advice?
Simply telling yourself to be more compassionate won’t work. You can’t say “I forgive myself” if you don’t actually believe it.
Instead of trying to be “soft” on ourselves, we need to be more accurate with our self-compassion.
You can do it by making these three logical shifts in your story:
1. The Story Line Separation
Your inner critic likes to tell stories. It may snipe, “I was such an idiot for saying that” or “I’m so lazy.” Those are adjectives. Adjectives are merely opinions and not facts.
Now I want you to try a 24-hour adjective ban. You can critique how you perform, but you cannot use adjectives. Instead, only focus on the verbs—the actions. For example:
Old Way: “I was awkward in that meeting.” (Judgement)
New Way: “I took too long to answer questions.” (Observation)
When you remove the adjectives from your thoughts, you come to realize that there’s nothing to forgive for—it’s simply a story that needs to evolve.
2. The Observation Change
A lot of times, people take personal blame for physiological reactions that are out of our control, such as getting a shaky voice during a presentation or having your mind go blank during an interview. You may say, “I messed up,” when all that happened was your nervous system reacted.
Try to convert your language from “I did that" to "That happened.”
For instance, if you end up overeating, instead of labeling yourself and saying, “I don’t have willpower,” rephrase what’s happening: “My body is indicating I’m fatigued.”
By observing the situation instead of taking complete credit for it, you’re not avoiding accountability; you’re simply becoming more honest with yourself.
3. The Ghost Contract Review
Next time you experience the overwhelming feeling of being behind, ask yourself if you signed a contract for what you’re doing.
Did you sign something stating you must be productive for 14 hours per day? Did you enact a law that says you aren’t allowed to rest?
In most cases, you’ll find that the rigid standards you’ve set as your baseline are all based on your own rules. And since you created them, you also hold the power to repeal them.
Helpful Reminder
If you notice yourself sprinkling salt into your own self-judgment (criticizing your own sadness or criticizing your own anxiety) simply pause and apply the three shifts to provide a more compassionate direction.
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