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Habits: What They Really Are and Why They Stick

You’re not wrong to think that building good habits means ditching the bad ones. But let’s be honest: Breaking habits isn’t a walk in the park.

Habits are sneaky and simple: trigger → behavior → reward.

For example, you feel bored (trigger) → that leads you to scroll through videos on YouTube (behavior) → giving you a sweet feeling of relief (reward).

Because of this, habits become easily repeated and reinforced. We want to do more things that feel good and less things that feel bad.

So, every time we make a choice to avoid a task and choose a soft and soothing task instead, we reinforce the reward. And this usually leads us to a point where all unhealthy distractions become our habits.

Why “Self Control” Usually Loses

Why can’t we just control ourselves and replace bad habits with good ones?

Here’s the truth: Telling yourself to “just stop” rarely works. Forcing yourself to feels like effort, and effort isn’t fun. Your brain doesn’t care about your intentions, it cares about how something feels. How rewarding something feels drives how likely you’re going to repeat it.

If you have a habit of scrolling through TikTok reels, and I ask you to stop and replace it with reading books, you’re likely to fail. Why? Because at this point, scrolling reels gives you a quick, pleasant hit, so you’ll keep doing it. And reading a book feels like a chore, so you’ll bail.

To change your behavior, you’ll have to change how you value the reward.

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Step 1: Map Your Habit

The first step isn’t stopping; it’s watching out for triggers. When you find yourself procrastinating or stress-eating, don’t judge yourself—instead, observe the circumstances closely.

- The Trigger: Do you have too much on your plate to manage? Are you overwhelmed?

- The Behavior: What is your specific “comfort” move? Is it social media? Is it chocolate cravings?

You have to name the action before you can dismantle it.

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Step 2: Feel the Payoff (Not the Story About It)

The next step to change a bad habit is to consciously feel that habit. Yes, I know it might sound bizarre, but it’s important to pay attention to what’s happening while you’re performing that habit.

We often repeat bad habits based on a “memory” of a reward, not the reality of it. I had a friend who smoked because she thought it made her look cool—a belief she’d held since she was a teenager. When she finally paid attention to the actual sensation in her adulthood, she realized it smelled like “stinky cheese” and tasted like chemicals.

Ask yourself:

- If you’re stress-eating: How does that junk food actually feel in your mouth? How do you feel 15 minutes later?

- If you’re scrolling: Is it actually fun, or do you feel a bit numb and anxious about the work you aren’t doing?

- This updates your brain’s “reward value.” You’re giving your mind the data it needs to realize the “prize” isn't actually worth the price.

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Step 3: Replace the Reward With Curiosity

The final step to creating positive habit change is to find a new reward that is more rewarding than the existing behavior. Remember, the brain is always looking for that bigger, better offer.

Imagine you are trying to break a bad habit like stress eating, and willpower hasn’t quite worked out for you. What if, instead of indulging in a candy craving to counteract a negative emotion, you replaced the eating habit with curiosity about why you are having that craving in the first place, and what it feels like in your body and your mind?

The reward value of curiosity (opening yourself up) is tangibly different than that of stress eating (closing yourself down). Ultimately, curiosity feels better in the moment and is much more enjoyable than the rumination that often occurs after giving in to a bad habit.

It also feels better than the guilt of giving in. Getting curious can turn a wave of craving into something you can just ride out. You’ll find that cravings are just physical sensations and thoughts—and like waves, they eventually peak and recede.

Your behavior might not shift overnight, and that’s perfectly fine. But the next time you feel that itch to dive into a bad habit, just pause. Use a little mindfulness, get curious about the “why,” and watch the reward value start to drop.

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