Welcome to Wisdom & Sol! If you haven’t subscribed, join our community of 95,000 intelligent, curious folks who want to boost their emotional well-being by subscribing here.

Subscribe

Last Thursday, we explored the importance of small talk and tips to connect better with strangers. When it comes to people you do know, you probably have a familiar connection with many people—some who may have even once been your go-tos, whose contact numbers are saved, and whose IG stories you still see on a regular basis. And yet, you don’t really talk to them anymore.

A lot of friendships go through something people call “quiet quitting,” meaning one side starts to back away from the relationship without explaining why. There’s no big fight or drama, and no one seems to get hurt, but the friendship still drifts away like a forgotten memory. It happens so slowly that you might not even notice at first. The conversations just become less frequent, and with time, the bond disappears.

That is what happens with a lot of adult friendships. Time goes by, and nobody makes the effort to reconnect. Instead, we use fancy phrases to make ourselves feel better about the loss, like saying you’re “protecting your peace.” Maybe you tell yourself that if the other person cared, they’d get in touch. But the truth is, maybe they’re thinking the exact same thing that you are—and in the end, no one reaches out. It’s almost like both sides just stop talking on purpose, like mutual ghosting, without even meaning for that to happen.

Quietness gets mistaken for the idea that your former bestie has cooler friends now, or is too caught up with life. But IRL, both of you might just be waiting for a sign that the other still cares. Those feelings of being forgotten and overlooked are wrecking so many adult friendships today.

Today, we are more self-aware than any generation before us, and it’s easy to turn that self-awareness against ourselves. When a friendship fades away, you may often think you did something to mess it up, and then you take on the weight of feeling like a bad friend.

But adult friendships don't come together organically as they did back in college. They need the same kind of effort we save for work or romantic relationships. The smartest and kindest thing to do is to accept that there is no bad person in this situation, and no one is rejecting you. Most of us are just overworked, a bit nervous, and hoping someone else will take the first step.

If you notice you've been pulling away from friends, here are two simple ideas to help you reconnect this week:

❝

1. Familiar Thread

If you haven’t talked in a while, starting with a message like “How have you been? It’s been so long!” can feel awkward. It might push the other person to write a big life story, which can feel like a chore. Or maybe they'll just fall back on a generic response like “I’m good! How about you?” And that ends with a quick “I’m fine,” and the chat dies before it even takes off.

An easier way is to mention a memory you both share in your message. You could say something like, “I walked by that cafe we used to visit, and it reminded me of you.” It's a simple and lighter way to start a conversation.

The real challenge happens when they text back. If they respond with something like, “Oh wow, I miss that place! Hope you're doing good too,” avoid jumping straight into a big ask like, “Let’s grab dinner this week!”

A smarter choice would be to answer with something like, “Doing well! Just getting through this busy season. Let’s plan a quick weekend call when you’ve got time.” You’re not pushing for a meeting, but you’re letting them know they can reach out. After that, follow up by putting in little meaningful efforts with simple texts to start rebuilding the connection.

A familiar memory + no pressure = an easy way to reconnect

❝

2. Choosing Grace Over Ego

When a friendship starts to drift, your ego will react faster than your logical brain. Your insecure side feels ignored and unimportant. Silence makes us question whether we even mattered to that person. To avoid feeling hurt, many of us will act like we’re above it all, reasoning, “If they won’t make time for me then I don’t need them anyway.” Our egos put up a wall that blocks us from reconnecting.

Instead of hiding behind that protective wall, try reacting with grace. Assuming the best about their absence can change how you view the situation in your mind. It will allow your body and mind to feel calm and let you take the first step without feeling like you’re competing for control or setting yourself up to be rejected.

Their silence - your defensive ego = two tired people doing their best

❝

Help us make this newsletter even better for you! Was this issue useful? What would you be excited to read about next? Reply to this email with your thoughts and suggestions. We read every response!