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TL;DR
The people who annoy you the most are basically giving you free therapy. Consider their behavior a blessing and a way to understand yourself a bit better.
Ever have those moments when someone does something mildly annoying and your brain just…fires up? Like, your coworker sends a passive-aggressive Slack message, and an hour later you’re still thinking about it while you’re in the shower, outlining why she’s the worst person alive?
Disproportionate rage like that is rarely about the thing that happened. It’s about what your brain decides the thing means.
For example:
Someone didn’t reply to your text = They don't value you.
A coworker interrupted you in the meeting = That person doesn't respect women.
Your friends forgot your birthday = Nobody actually cares about you, you’re alone in this universe, and probably going to die alone surrounded by cats.
(I can relate to all of this…)
What we’re doing in those moments is basically writing a fictional story about someone else’s internal world. Psychologists have a fancy name for this called rumination. The rest of us call it “spiraling.”
What’s really happening is this: The things that send you into a five-alarm rage about other people are usually pointing at something you haven’t dealt with internally. It’s not always obvious in a 1:1 way. It could manifest in something like the feeling you get when someone describes a dream, and you think, Wait, why does that feel personal?
Here are some more examples:
You’re furious that your friend “always makes everything about herself.” When that annoys you, ask yourself: When was the last time you actually asked someone how they were doing without waiting for your turn to talk?
You’re enraged that your coworker is “fake.” When that bothers you, ask yourself: When’s the last time you said “All good!” to someone you genuinely wanted to scream at?
You’re losing it over your roommate being “lazy.” When that gets under your skin, ask yourself: Is it possible you’re keeping busy and working hard to avoid sitting with your own feelings?
The Reframe
Next time you catch yourself building a case against someone in your head, try this instead:
Pause, then ask yourself, “What is this actually about for me?”
Sometimes the answer is “Nothing. What they did was really rude and I’m allowed to be annoyed.” That’s a valid answer. Not every irritation is a deep spiritual lesson. Sometimes people just suck that day.
But sometimes? The answer is something tender. Something you’ve been avoiding. And weirdly, getting curious about it is way more useful than rehearsing your bad guy monologue about your co-worker who sends annoying Slack messages.
The bonus is that you might accidentally develop compassion.
Read this before you say something you’ll regret
Words of Wisdom
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part yourself. What isn’t part ourselves doesn’t disturb us.
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