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Those of us who have social anxiety know how hard it can make getting through life sometimes. Going to a party is more stressful than fun. Meeting new people is your worst nightmare.
You can’t talk yourself out of social anxiety, but you can change what you do with it. Start with these three shifts:
1) Ask Your Beliefs for Evidence
Social anxiety sabotages your self-esteem because it feeds on unchecked assumptions. So, rather than accepting your thoughts as facts or labeling yourself as “socially anxious,” it’s much better to doubt those limiting beliefs and find evidence of who you are instead.
Here are a few journaling prompts to test your assumptions and put them on trial:
Write down the heaviest, most negative beliefs you carry about yourself. And be brutally honest about them. (Example: “My friends don’t actually like me,” “I’m not interesting enough to hold a conversation,” or “People think I’m lame.”)
Next, write down what you wish you believed about yourself. (Example: “My friends love to spend time with me,” “I ask good questions,” or “I make people feel comfortable.”)
For the next two weeks, observe and write down every single moment that backs up your aspirational beliefs. Did a friend accept your invite to hang out? Did you have a surprisingly nice chat with a stranger? Did someone smile at a joke you made?
Over time, you’ll start to see a very realistic picture of yourself.
2) Delete “Calm Down” From Your Vocabulary
Anyone who has ever experienced a social panic knows that advice like “just calm down” turns out to be very unhelpful. Why? Because it is practically impossible to calm down your body when it’s flooded with adrenaline. And you can’t reason it into calming. In fact, doing that just creates another problem: You’re not just anxious, but also failing at being calm, which makes you feel worse.
Instead of fighting a losing battle against a pounding heart and wrecking nerves, reframe your energy.
Biologically, anxiety and excitement look very similar. Most physical manifestations of the two are the same, the only difference is your mindset. Rather than buying into a negative belief that “I’m terrified,” you can reframe it to “I’m so excited.” And this can help you channel that intense physiological energy into something joyful and productive.
3) Shift the Spotlight Away From You
A lot of anxiety and fear are fueled by being self-centered. If you’re constantly thinking about yourself, you’re much more likely to feel anxious than a person who is also thinking about others.
When you’re anxious, all your attention goes inward, and you think about questions like, “How am I being perceived?”, “How am I feeling?”, “How does this impact me?!”
Constantly obsessing over what others might think of your every move creates a toxic feedback loop that only drives your anxiety level higher. The secret to breaking the loop? Being curious.
You cannot fix the self-centered nature of anxiety without shifting the spotlight off yourself.
Be genuinely curious: The next time you‘re chatting with someone, make a conscious effort to prioritize learning about them over monitoring your own self.
Ask questions: Direct your mental energy toward understanding the person in front of you.
When you stop treating a conversation like a performance where you are being judged, you’ll end up surprised and delighted by the people around you. Give your brain a break from yourself.
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